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A Young Swordswoman's Garden Primer
Sarah Zettel
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"Do you know who I am?" Allys pulled herself up to her full height. Her flaming, auburn
curls brushed the shop's low ceiling.
The shopkeeper did not look impressed. "You are Allys the Bold, Swordswoman of the
Mystic East, daughter of Ferra, daughter of Ganelle d'Rainier, or so you said. But I am
Drethwain, Shopkeeper of the First Order and in the name of my family honor, I will not sell
you a magic item for less than thrice what I paid for it!"
Allys sighed. She could, of course, kill him and take the rusty hauberk in the corner, but she
was wearing her business clothes. When people hired a Genuine Barbarian Swordswoman,
Deeply Versed in Secrets-of-the-Mystic-East, they wanted brass and jewels, jingly gold
chains, flowing purple cloaks, gleaming headbands holding back flaming tresses, a sword that
would split an elephant, and daggers tucked into all manner of exotic locales. This town was
crowded, and after her personal business was concluded, she would almost certainly need to
find work again. Allys saw no point in letting the paying customers, or even the potential
customers, down.
"This world is all illusion anyway," Chi Xe, her surprisingly young Wise-Old-Master had
told her. "Work with it."
The problem was, the outfit was an absolute bitch to try to fight in.
Allys sighed and gave the hauberk on its crooked stand an appraising look. It was almost
solid rust. Cobwebs trailed off its short sleeves.
If that oracle was pulling a fast one, I'm going to drop her into that sacred well head first.
She had paid the skinny, doe-eyed woman for three answers to three questions; Can I regain my
ancestral castle? What aid do I need to accomplish this? Where do I find it? The answers: yes,
wear the magic armor of the D'Rainiers, and the northwest corner of Drethwain's Shoppe of
Ancient Mysteries, had led her here to confront this greasy man with definite feelings about his
standing in the world.
She held up her hand. "Far be it from me, Sir, to seek to undo any man's honor." She planted
her shiny, black boot on a creaking chair, and pulled out one of her daggers. With a grunt, she
twisted the biggest scarlet "jewel" out of its pommel and tossed it to Drethwain.
"That is the ruby Tharyx, taken from the dagger that killed the dragon Quaraeth the Most
Fell. Whosoever carries it cannot be deceived by any lie or illusion of man, monster or god."
 "Is that true?" Drethwain squinted at the stone.
"As far as you know."
He gave her a gap-toothed smile. "The shirt's yours. As is."
She did manage to get him to wrap it up first. She had no intention of getting rust and
cobwebs smeared all over her glittery work clothes. She slung the bundle across the rump of
Grandiere, her huge, white (naturally), gelding (symbolism is important) and swung herself into
the saddle. She cantered out of town, waving her sword and singing fierce-sounding nonsense
she'd picked up from Chi Xe. You never knew who was watching.
Her camp was three leagues from town in a wooded dingle. She dismounted Grandiere,
removed his tack, let him drink, wiped him down and tethered him where he could graze.
Her horse attended to, she took care of herself. She stripped off the gold-and-emerald
headband, and the auburn wig underneath it, rolled the huge sword in the flashy cloak and
disengaged the uncomfortably located daggers. In a few moments, she was her wilderness self;
short black hair, leather travelling clothes, hunting dagger at waist and short sword in easy
reach near the campfire.
Feeling relaxed and ready for real business, Allys unwrapped her purchase. She picked it
up by the shoulders and shook it. The mail links rattled like a dry cough. Flakes of rust and dust
showered down. It looked battered, decrepit, and decidedly unmagical. It also looked too damn
small for her.
Gritting her teeth, Allys slid the hauberk over her head. To her surprise, it fit perfectly. She
brushed the links down. They rattled.
Take it off.
Allys froze.
Take it off, now!
Allys laid her hand on her sword. The voice wasn't coming from any direction. It was just
there.
Take this damn shirt off and go away, hear me? I don't need any cheapskate barbarian
wannabe getting blood on me!
Allys's heart beat hard at the base of her throat.
 No, I am not the shirt. Flaming fig-trees, you've got an untidy mind up here. Where'd you get
all these… zenny?… ideas? Oh, the Mystic East. Foreign Parts, I should have known. No, I
said that already. I am not the shirt. I am the woman stuck in the shirt. Damn family curse.
Blessing Aunt Didi said, but she liked waving swords around. Every woman of the d'Rainier
line who died in battle takes a turn in the shirt, giving her skills to the current wearer. Well, I
was battling the mentha veridis in the kitchen garden when the lights went out, and now there
are no more women in the D'Rainier line and I'm stuck in here!
As quickly as she could, Allys yanked the hauberk off. She dropped the shirt onto the
ground. It rattled for a moment, then lay still on the dirt and dead leaves.
Not good. Not good at all.
The prophecy said she needed to be wearing the D'Rainier armor to retake the castle.
Maybe that cranky soul in there knew a secret entrance, or some special weakness that
belonged to the Evil Wizard who occupied the place. Problem. Cranky obviously did not like
being stuck in the hauberk and needed the death of another D'Rainier woman to get her out.
There was one, too. Whoever that was in there obviously didn't know that Ganelle D'Rainier
had escaped and fled the country when the castle was taken over. Ganelle wandered with the
horse nomads of the Mystic East and had a daughter who had a daughter, who had come back
and bought the armor from Drethwain. What if the spirit in the rusty chain mail decided to get
Allys into a battle so Allys could die and take her place?
This was very, very not good. Especially since Cranky in there could obviously read Allys's
mind.
Allys did not believe in trying to outwit prophecies. Wizards, daemons,
Evil-Gods-from-the-Foulest-Regions-of-the-Seven-Hells, yes, but, prophecies, no. They
always came back to bite you on your more intimate leathers. She was told she needed to be
wearing the D'Rainier armor, so wear it she would. But how could she keep Cranky from
rummaging around in her head and getting… ideas?
Allys sat down cross-legged and regarded the hauberk.
She turned over every thing Cranky had "said" to her, trying to work out its implications.
Untidy mind you've got . . . Cranky'd complained. Did she have a tough time reading more
than one thought at a time? Could be. Could Allys bury her identity and true purpose behind one
of Chi Xe's interminable Mystic Philosophic Verses about about falling blossoms and the
sound of silence? No, too complicated. She didn't know what else she'd have to be doing while
Cranky was rummaging. Something simpler. An image. Flying monkeys, or green polar bears,
something like that.
Allys closed her eyes. "D'Rainier," she said, and visualized flocks of monkeys with eagles
 wings swooping and swarming all over a noonday sky.
"Who are you?" Polar bears. Bright emerald ones sitting on ice floes.
She practiced calling up the crowded images with every variation of her ancestry she could
think of until well after full dark. At last, she rolled the hauberk in its cloth wrappings and
herself in her woolen traveling cloak.
It took forever to get the damn monkeys out of her head so she could sleep.
Allys woke up as soon as dawn's light squeezed through the trees. She breakfasted, and
repacked her gear onto Grandiere's back. She picked up the roll she'd made of the hauberk and
weighed it in her hands.
Put it on now? Or wait until I get closer to the castle? Allys chewed her lower lip. She had
technically already begun her quest for the castle, so the prophecy was ticking. Besides, if
Cranky knew anything, it'd be better to find out about it right away so she could formulate her
plans.
She slipped the hauberk over her leather jerkin.
You again? I thought I'd had the last of you. Go away. Leave me alone.
"No," said Allys through clenched teeth. "I need your help."
Then you're sore out of luck you fool girl… What is your name anyway? Hi! Where'd all
these monkeys come from?
Allys smiled softly.
Ragwort and jasmine, get these things away from me! I have never felt anybody with such a
bizarre set of thoughts! Are you sure you're sane?
Allys shrugged.
You don't even know. Huh. Figures. The sane ones give the damn shirt back after the first
night. Great. I am stuck in the mind of a crazy woman with a monkey fetish. And a thing for a
tall man with a funny name.
Allys started. "How'd you know about Chi Xe?"
He's all over the place in here. You're fighting him, you're learning bad poetry from him,
and there's some dreams over here, Missy, that I bet you'd never tell your mother about.
 Allys felt her face begin to burn. She knew exactly which dreams Cranky had found. She'd
had one just last night where…
Shame on you!
Allys clenched her teeth and concentrated.
Hi, there! Hey! Down! Watch it! What the hell are all these green things!
"Listen, I need your help…"
What now? Home? What are you doing going to my home? And where do you get off calling
me Cranky? I am Lady Genevive D'Rainier!
"All right, Lady Genevive, I am going to take Castle D'Rainier from the Evil Wizard who's
occupying it."
For a moment nothing but silence occupied Allys's head. You are mad. That wizard killed
my entire family while they were sleeping. I was the only one awake. I had a new formula I
wanted to try out . . For the first time Allys felt something other than resentment flow from the
presence of Lady Genevive, and that was fear.
"This is nothing," Allys told her mental passenger. "I've fought
Evil-Gods-from-the-Foulest-Regions-of-the-Seven-Hells…"
Yuch! You fought those ugly… Green gods of morning, they do make a loud splat when they
fall don't they?
"I can handle one wizard."
But why . . . GET THESE MONKEYS AWAY FROM ME!
Allys concentrated on monkeys in quiet groups of ones and twos, listening to what she was
saying.
"Evil Wizard's encircled the castle with a forty foot tall wall of thorny hedges to keep back
attack." She concentrated on her memory of the place. No guards, either human or monstrous,
just these iron-colored branches twisted around each other as if a blacksmith had beaten them
into shape. The wind that had ruffled Allys's hair and Grandiere's mane did not stir the
branches at all, instead it whistled between the sword-sharp, foot-long thorns.
Datura Stamonium Grandiose. The thought sent a breath of awe through Allys's mind. They
aren't native to this area. What is it doing here?
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